Life is hard right now. I wont sugar coat it. I’m having to do things I dont want to…online school being one of them. My kids hate Teacher Mom. I try to see the positive but really struggling to see good right now. I’m missing my mom like crazy. Emotions through this whole pandemic have been rough. When life gets hard i usually call and vent to my mom….but mine isnt here anymore. She isnt a phone call or text message away….and that is the most lonely feeling. I dont have that sounding board like I use to, you know the one with no judgement. Only moms can provide it.
We are a week before mothers day and I am absolutely dreading it. I dont want to celebrate personally but I cant take that from my own children. It just sucks everyone gets to celebrate their mom and I can only celebrate memories….I should still have a mom. Last year was the first year I had gotten gifts to mom on time. I bought her a black and white Lates by Kate always dress since she was spending so much time in the hospital along with 2 alex and ani bracelets. That always dress was the last thing I saw her wearing. I still need to get that dress. I’m hoping it still smells like her. Mothers day was always filled with laughing between her and I. She helped make it more enjoyable. We’d laugh about the cheesy stuff the kids threw together for me last minute because they forgot and how the day was usually chaos.
The past few days have brought up emotions I wasnt ready to deal with. The bed that we bought for mom had to be taken down. It’s going into storage probably. I cried and cried. I should be chatting with mom about her trip here in July. We should be talking about what we need to do while she is here. Instead, things are being changed and I’m not ready for it. I dont want things to change just yet. My mom helped me decorate this house, she helped me come up with things to add or how to put things together. Now those things are being moved or hidden away and replaced by other things. It’s hard to be strong dealing with things when it’s been less than a year….but we are coming up on that mark.
This whole pandemic has really made things rough. Being stuck in the house, not seeing friends, not having my workout classes, dealing with the kids…all.day.long, not having a break each day, cleaning, cooking meals constantly. I’m blessed that my husband still has his job and has been working from home. I havent been able to work since mid March so the hope of flying to Ohio for moms birthday isnt an option financially.
I know this post is just a big complaining session and not positive at all but sometimes you just need to put it all out there to feel just a little bit better.