Hard times

Life is hard right now. I wont sugar coat it. I’m having to do things I dont want to…online school being one of them. My kids hate Teacher Mom. I try to see the positive but really struggling to see good right now. I’m missing my mom like crazy. Emotions through this whole pandemic have been rough. When life gets hard i usually call and vent to my mom….but mine isnt here anymore. She isnt a phone call or text message away….and that is the most lonely feeling. I dont have that sounding board like I use to, you know the one with no judgement. Only moms can provide it.

We are a week before mothers day and I am absolutely dreading it. I dont want to celebrate personally but I cant take that from my own children. It just sucks everyone gets to celebrate their mom and I can only celebrate memories….I should still have a mom. Last year was the first year I had gotten gifts to mom on time. I bought her a black and white Lates by Kate always dress since she was spending so much time in the hospital along with 2 alex and ani bracelets. That always dress was the last thing I saw her wearing. I still need to get that dress. I’m hoping it still smells like her. Mothers day was always filled with laughing between her and I. She helped make it more enjoyable. We’d laugh about the cheesy stuff the kids threw together for me last minute because they forgot and how the day was usually chaos.

The past few days have brought up emotions I wasnt ready to deal with. The bed that we bought for mom had to be taken down. It’s going into storage probably. I cried and cried. I should be chatting with mom about her trip here in July. We should be talking about what we need to do while she is here. Instead, things are being changed and I’m not ready for it. I dont want things to change just yet. My mom helped me decorate this house, she helped me come up with things to add or how to put things together. Now those things are being moved or hidden away and replaced by other things. It’s hard to be strong dealing with things when it’s been less than a year….but we are coming up on that mark.

This whole pandemic has really made things rough. Being stuck in the house, not seeing friends, not having my workout classes, dealing with the kids…all.day.long, not having a break each day, cleaning, cooking meals constantly. I’m blessed that my husband still has his job and has been working from home. I havent been able to work since mid March so the hope of flying to Ohio for moms birthday isnt an option financially.

I know this post is just a big complaining session and not positive at all but sometimes you just need to put it all out there to feel just a little bit better.

Word for the Year 2020

Most years I make a super unrealistic list of goals I plan to achieve during the year. Some lists have been so detailed that I literally planned my own failure. Reading 50 books in a yearword2020 when I barely finish one a year…come on! Within a month, I drop half the list and by summer the list is nothing but a funny memory of the past. This year I decided to try things a little differently. A major word for the year along with simple small goals that help support this word. Simple right? I can fail, and not feel like I have to wait a week, month of even year to pick up and start again. 

Strong is the word I chose for this year. It seems simple and basic but after last year I need to find a new strong for myself. I want to be strong in every way possible. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. I am reading more and learning new things. I am working out and eating healthier to fuel my body. I am working on being a better mother and wife. I have finally decided a career path for myself and as soon as I have the money I will get licensed to be a Mortgage Loan Officer. I am staying strong in every way possible. I have small goals like reading more, cleaning and organizing more, taking a deep breath more often, enjoying the good without stress, staying off my cell phone most of the day….you know simple things that will over time make me stronger in one way or another.

Losing my mom has rocked my world. Each day something or a few things remind me of her and I have to fight back the tears. I am working on becoming strong enough to let my tears flow when needed. I have to find my strong again. I was comfortable, I had my mom who helped me through a lot and now I need to find that in myself.

So if you want to join me on a year full of finding my strong then get ready for a fun ride. Full of ups and downs. Happy and sad times. No matter what Im doing it for me and my family. They deserve the best of me and I feel like Ive just been gliding thru life, time to put on my big girl pants and become stronger.

I’m still here

I fell off the blogging wagon, you’re not surprised are you? Life happens right? Life has been busy which is both good and bad. I know when I’m stressed that I make myself busier so that I dont have time to process things that need to be processed. Its something I’ve done since I can remember.

For those of you still around or actually taking time to read this, thank you.

Losing my mom has by far been the hardest thing I have ever been through. As the holidays are approaching I am trying to think positive but at the same time, I miss her. No cookie baking this year. No Nana Christmas. No nutcracker tradition that she just started last year. No calling her to see how her Christmas eve party went. It’s all different. I’m so glad she isnt suffering anymore but currently that’s hard for me to handle because her not being in pain means me going through life without her.

Both of my boys just had birthdays. Normally she’d send a fee gifts and call and sing them happy birthday before they head of to school. But there was nothing from her and no call.

Time might heal all wounds but I feel like this one might take eternity. I hurt daily, I’m holding back tears daily. Its lonely without a mom. Raising 3 kids is hard. I’d always call and vent to her about whatever problem I was dealing with. She would give her motherly advice on how to handle that child and the situation. Most of the time it was just what I needed and other times I just needed to vent. I miss our vent sessions where we would just talk about all the things bothering us. It was freeing and perfect therapy….

Speaking of therapy, I quit going. I wasnt feeling it. Maybe I’m not ready, maybe it was hard, maybe my therapist wasnt the right fit for me. I’ll look into it again at some point. For now I’m focusing on other things and trying to find joy in my daily life.

I miss mom. I miss her laugh. I miss her yelling my full name when I would cuss. I miss talking to her. I miss her wisdom. I miss the love she showed my kids. I miss the traditions we had.

Love ya mom❤

It’s been a while….

I dont know where to begin. Kids started school, I’ve been working at the salon more, enjoying some quiet time and friend time, went to the Blink 182 and lil wayne concert with Jen, we went to Disneyland, I started therapy, I got a new car, my house is a constant mess, all I want to is watch Bachelor in Paradise and sleep🤦‍♀️

Therapy has been hard. Its exhausting, I always leave ready to just sleep the day away. You know how I feel about talking about my feelings, the past and everything else. I dont want to but I’m hoping it all will help in the end.

Kids are doing great in school. They all are loving their classes and teachers. Making new friends and keeping old ones.

Disneyland was amazing and probably the first time since you passed that I felt truly happy. We spent 2 days at the parks aand one day at the beach. We made sure to stay from open to close both days. We tried all the snacks, ate all the food and rode all the rides.

This blog is all for me to be honest about losing you. I wear a bracelet of yours daily. It has the quote “Always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem” on it. I dont remember where you got it but it’s funny how something that was for you during your battle is something that can also help me after you passed. It’s a good daily reminder. Life has been full of blessings but honestly, it’s hard for me to see them. Im definitely in at a low. It’s been about two and a half months and it sucks. I cant seem to shake this feeling.

The other day I had four people ask me if I was ok. I felt like I was fine but obviously seemed like I wasnt. This was a slap in the face for me. I’ve been feeling just fine but apparently I’m not appearing that way to others. Hopefully therapy will help me with this.

Life isn’t the same without you. I think of you daily. I could cry daily but you know I wont. I protect the jewelry that Macey and I brought home of yours. I just wish it would get a little easier. I feel guilty that I cant afford to come visit your grave and sit and chat with you. I feel guilty I havent sent flowers. I feel guilty that I havent keptin touch with family. It’s just been….hard.

So that’s what’s been going on. I have no reason for not writing other then, its been a tough period of dealing with losing you. Insomia at night is strong and sleep during the day is all I want to do. Things wI’ll get better. Things will get easier….it just takes time.

Love you mom ❤

The Truth

**I’m not writing this to get sympathy or attention. I’m writing for me. To clear my head. To process my thoughts. **

Truth is since you left this world I’m not ok. I’m always sad. I’m always feeling depressed. I never want to get out of bed. I could cry over anything….but you know me well enough mom. You know I’m putting a face on. I’m acting like I’m ok. I’m getting out of bed and doing what’s expected of me. I’m building the freaking Hoover dam to hold back my emotions because I truly hate being emotional.

I’ve been struggling with how to process losing you. How does one learn how to grieve the loss of a parent? I’ve never lost a parent and its different with losing grandparents and friends. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve but I dont even know where to start.

Something just isnt right. I have insomnia now, I’ve never struggled with sleeping. 3am is my magic hour…I’m either just getting to bed or waking up. Awesome right?! I am trying to continue living a healthy life but cant get my emotional eating under control. I have no energy. I just go through my normal day and pretend it’s all ok. It’s not healthy. It’s not me.

I’ve been toying with the idea of seeing a therapist. It was a big help when you were first diagnosed with cancer and nick was in school. I am still so thankful to that therapist and all his help during a rough time in my life. You know Nick’s analogy…cant shut doors on a basement fire, it eventually burns down the house. He has said it would be good for me to talk to someone. So today I scheduled that appointment. I’ll start working through losing you, my depression and the rest of my problems. Im nervous yet excited. I know it will be good. I know it will be hard. I know I’ll be a pain in the butt. I know I’ll thank myself later for it.

Truthfully I’m not ok but I will be. You showed me how to be strong till the very end. You showed me how to be positive no matter how bad things are. You set such an amazing example. I’ll be ok, I’ll be strong and positive….my Hoover dam has to be broken first.

Love you mom ❤


I cant count the times I slept on the floor in my moms room because of a storm outside. Thunder isnt the issue, it’s the lightning. That bright crack of light. Mom never questioned it or told me to get out. I just knew to grab a pillow and blanket and run to her side of the room and lay on the floor.

Of course I could only run between strikes of lightning. Even as a teen I would do this. Mom always made me feel comfortable. She never shamed this silly fear of mine. We would laugh about it the next day but she knew that during the storm it was no joking matter for me. She also knew if I was out and it looked like s storm was coming that I would be home soon.

We have a pretty nasty storm coming through the valley currently. Neacel is freaking out a little and so am I. As a parent though this fear isnt as bad, not gone, my heart is racing and I refuse to sleep till it’s over. It makes me think of mom. Mom loved storms. She enjoyed watching them if she could. I dont understand this idea at all. She would sit outside and just watch the storm roll in.

I wish I could have one more night sleeping on my moms floor next to her.

Love you mom ❤

Cancer sucks

It doesn’t matter the type or stage or cancer, it doesn’t matter where its located….because at the end of the day, cancer is cancer and cancer sucks.

A friend told me today her cancer is back. My heart breaks for her and her family. I am holding back tears because hearing her say those words brought all the emotions back. I’m obviously suppressing some feelings. All day I keep thinking of her. She has been heavy on my heart lately, it was great to see her but hearing her cancer is back is just the saddest news.

If you knew this woman you would want to just hug her. She is loving, raw, blunt, beautiful and can be your best friend in seconds….but dont piss her off.

I’m cheering her on. Im praying for her and her family. No one should ever have to deal with cancer. Cancer sucks.

Mom, you know this friend too. You loved her too. Please watch over her.

Family Time

I’ve noticed since you passed that Nick and I have been trying to do more with the kids. I guess it’s the whole “live in the moment ” or “make memories ” or possibly “live life to the fullest”, no matter what small line it is, it’s been good.

We go for walks, we cuddle and watch shows together more often, we sit and talk more, we listen more, and we have plans for a few more fun things before school starts. Today was a walk on the Jordan River trail. If it wasnt 95* with the sun hammering on us we would have walked more but the kids were complaining half a mile in, lazy stinkers. We talked and laughed, Nick told the kids a troll lives under the bridge and none of them believed him. I think we are past that fun phase.

Tonight Nick and I took Macey school shopping. We got all of her school supplies, a backpack and she insisted on the matching lunchbox, Nick couldnt tell her NO! Next week is her birthday so I took her to Claire’s and she loved it. She picked out earrings, mood changing nail polish, sleep mask, sunglasses and scrunchies. She was pretty pissed to see that the unicorn makeup was missing….but I wasnt about to spend $12 on makeup for her. I know you would have got it for her and grabbed plenty more. I’m sad she doesn’t get anymore shopping trips with you to get spoiled. She could work you the best to get what she wanted.

Life is still moving along without you. It sucks. I’ve been wanting to see family and come visit you but I cant. Hopefully at some point I can. I just want to sit under the tree and chat with you for a while. I’m sad I dont live closer to spend time with you. I’d visit you daily if I could. I’m sorry that I’m not there to visit you and chat with you. I’m hoping my updates here are good enough.

Love you mom ❤

One month later

Yesterday (the 25th) marked one month since you left this Earth.

One month of not calling you. One month of not hearing your voice. One month of not checking on you. One month of not getting your advice. One month of not texting you photos of the kids. One month of not hearing you complain about the cancer. One month of not hearing you yell at your dogs. One month of not getting daily updates on the family. One month of not planning your next trip here. One month of you not talking about how excited you are to go on a cruise with us. One month of you not planning how to spoil the kids randomly. One month of not hearing you say love you knowing I’m not the mushy type and rarely will say it back. One month of you not laughing at me and how I parent my kids. (You always said I was a lot like Aunt Suzie with things I say). One month of you not asking about my friends. One month of us not gossiping. One month of us not sharing recipes. One month of us not talking religion or politics. One month of us not talking about the past. One month of you not battling cancer. One month of you not struggling with chemo, immunotherapy, radiation or pain. One month of you being free from the fear of cancer. One month of you being in Heaven. One month since you became perfected.

Life has been different. Not easy, not hard. Not busy or lonely. The reality still not completely there. It still has a feeling of it all being a dream. I’m waiting to wake up and realize that everything is ok and your walking and talking. I know it wont happen. I know it’s not meant to be but my goodness it would be nice.

Nick had a beautiful memory book made for us. Pictures of you as a kid, a mom and Nana. Pictures from your wedding with Steve. Pictures of you and my kids. Pictures filling a book all about you. I cry everytime I start to look at it. Its wonderful but hard to look at.

I miss you like crazy. I’m happy you aren’t suffering and free from the pain but it still sucks.

Love you mom❤

Missing you

Today has been a day. I’m sitting at Maceys tumbling class. She is loving it. You and I always said she would do better with something like this compared to ballet and tap. The girl cant do a cartwheel to save her life but is killin it in other ways. I think we are going to stick with tumbling and hope she continues to love it and excel.I took the kids to see the floats for the pioneer day parade. Much easier to go to the float preview over trying to survive the crowd in SLC tomorrow. Of course the boys had no interest, they are to old and grown up. Macey loved it and called any girl with a sash and tiara a princess. The boys found a handout from the Air Force that made noise and could be use as swords. Of course, they became instant weapons. Then all the kids were given air force tattoos…..yeah that didnt end well. Neacel and Macey look like they are ready to put together a prison gang🤦‍♀️😂Tonight is my first night with the young women, normally I would have called you and we would chat about my fears and concerns. Instead, I’m ignoring them and hoping for the best. It’s still weird not having you here to chat with. Its lonely. I have my husband, family and friends but it’s not the same. I miss out call routine. I miss checking on you. It made the miles not seem so much when we chatted daily about everything.

Love you mom ❤