It’s been a while….

I dont know where to begin. Kids started school, I’ve been working at the salon more, enjoying some quiet time and friend time, went to the Blink 182 and lil wayne concert with Jen, we went to Disneyland, I started therapy, I got a new car, my house is a constant mess, all I want to is watch Bachelor in Paradise and sleep🤦‍♀️

Therapy has been hard. Its exhausting, I always leave ready to just sleep the day away. You know how I feel about talking about my feelings, the past and everything else. I dont want to but I’m hoping it all will help in the end.

Kids are doing great in school. They all are loving their classes and teachers. Making new friends and keeping old ones.

Disneyland was amazing and probably the first time since you passed that I felt truly happy. We spent 2 days at the parks aand one day at the beach. We made sure to stay from open to close both days. We tried all the snacks, ate all the food and rode all the rides.

This blog is all for me to be honest about losing you. I wear a bracelet of yours daily. It has the quote “Always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem” on it. I dont remember where you got it but it’s funny how something that was for you during your battle is something that can also help me after you passed. It’s a good daily reminder. Life has been full of blessings but honestly, it’s hard for me to see them. Im definitely in at a low. It’s been about two and a half months and it sucks. I cant seem to shake this feeling.

The other day I had four people ask me if I was ok. I felt like I was fine but obviously seemed like I wasnt. This was a slap in the face for me. I’ve been feeling just fine but apparently I’m not appearing that way to others. Hopefully therapy will help me with this.

Life isn’t the same without you. I think of you daily. I could cry daily but you know I wont. I protect the jewelry that Macey and I brought home of yours. I just wish it would get a little easier. I feel guilty that I cant afford to come visit your grave and sit and chat with you. I feel guilty I havent sent flowers. I feel guilty that I havent keptin touch with family. It’s just been….hard.

So that’s what’s been going on. I have no reason for not writing other then, its been a tough period of dealing with losing you. Insomia at night is strong and sleep during the day is all I want to do. Things wI’ll get better. Things will get easier….it just takes time.

Love you mom ❤

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The Truth

**I’m not writing this to get sympathy or attention. I’m writing for me. To clear my head. To process my thoughts. **

Truth is since you left this world I’m not ok. I’m always sad. I’m always feeling depressed. I never want to get out of bed. I could cry over anything….but you know me well enough mom. You know I’m putting a face on. I’m acting like I’m ok. I’m getting out of bed and doing what’s expected of me. I’m building the freaking Hoover dam to hold back my emotions because I truly hate being emotional.

I’ve been struggling with how to process losing you. How does one learn how to grieve the loss of a parent? I’ve never lost a parent and its different with losing grandparents and friends. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve but I dont even know where to start.

Something just isnt right. I have insomnia now, I’ve never struggled with sleeping. 3am is my magic hour…I’m either just getting to bed or waking up. Awesome right?! I am trying to continue living a healthy life but cant get my emotional eating under control. I have no energy. I just go through my normal day and pretend it’s all ok. It’s not healthy. It’s not me.

I’ve been toying with the idea of seeing a therapist. It was a big help when you were first diagnosed with cancer and nick was in school. I am still so thankful to that therapist and all his help during a rough time in my life. You know Nick’s analogy…cant shut doors on a basement fire, it eventually burns down the house. He has said it would be good for me to talk to someone. So today I scheduled that appointment. I’ll start working through losing you, my depression and the rest of my problems. Im nervous yet excited. I know it will be good. I know it will be hard. I know I’ll be a pain in the butt. I know I’ll thank myself later for it.

Truthfully I’m not ok but I will be. You showed me how to be strong till the very end. You showed me how to be positive no matter how bad things are. You set such an amazing example. I’ll be ok, I’ll be strong and positive….my Hoover dam has to be broken first.

Love you mom ❤

Thunderstorms

I cant count the times I slept on the floor in my moms room because of a storm outside. Thunder isnt the issue, it’s the lightning. That bright crack of light. Mom never questioned it or told me to get out. I just knew to grab a pillow and blanket and run to her side of the room and lay on the floor.

Of course I could only run between strikes of lightning. Even as a teen I would do this. Mom always made me feel comfortable. She never shamed this silly fear of mine. We would laugh about it the next day but she knew that during the storm it was no joking matter for me. She also knew if I was out and it looked like s storm was coming that I would be home soon.

We have a pretty nasty storm coming through the valley currently. Neacel is freaking out a little and so am I. As a parent though this fear isnt as bad, not gone, my heart is racing and I refuse to sleep till it’s over. It makes me think of mom. Mom loved storms. She enjoyed watching them if she could. I dont understand this idea at all. She would sit outside and just watch the storm roll in.

I wish I could have one more night sleeping on my moms floor next to her.

Love you mom ❤

Cancer sucks

It doesn’t matter the type or stage or cancer, it doesn’t matter where its located….because at the end of the day, cancer is cancer and cancer sucks.

A friend told me today her cancer is back. My heart breaks for her and her family. I am holding back tears because hearing her say those words brought all the emotions back. I’m obviously suppressing some feelings. All day I keep thinking of her. She has been heavy on my heart lately, it was great to see her but hearing her cancer is back is just the saddest news.

If you knew this woman you would want to just hug her. She is loving, raw, blunt, beautiful and can be your best friend in seconds….but dont piss her off.

I’m cheering her on. Im praying for her and her family. No one should ever have to deal with cancer. Cancer sucks.

Mom, you know this friend too. You loved her too. Please watch over her.

Family Time

I’ve noticed since you passed that Nick and I have been trying to do more with the kids. I guess it’s the whole “live in the moment ” or “make memories ” or possibly “live life to the fullest”, no matter what small line it is, it’s been good.

We go for walks, we cuddle and watch shows together more often, we sit and talk more, we listen more, and we have plans for a few more fun things before school starts. Today was a walk on the Jordan River trail. If it wasnt 95* with the sun hammering on us we would have walked more but the kids were complaining half a mile in, lazy stinkers. We talked and laughed, Nick told the kids a troll lives under the bridge and none of them believed him. I think we are past that fun phase.

Tonight Nick and I took Macey school shopping. We got all of her school supplies, a backpack and she insisted on the matching lunchbox, Nick couldnt tell her NO! Next week is her birthday so I took her to Claire’s and she loved it. She picked out earrings, mood changing nail polish, sleep mask, sunglasses and scrunchies. She was pretty pissed to see that the unicorn makeup was missing….but I wasnt about to spend $12 on makeup for her. I know you would have got it for her and grabbed plenty more. I’m sad she doesn’t get anymore shopping trips with you to get spoiled. She could work you the best to get what she wanted.

Life is still moving along without you. It sucks. I’ve been wanting to see family and come visit you but I cant. Hopefully at some point I can. I just want to sit under the tree and chat with you for a while. I’m sad I dont live closer to spend time with you. I’d visit you daily if I could. I’m sorry that I’m not there to visit you and chat with you. I’m hoping my updates here are good enough.

Love you mom ❤

One month later

Yesterday (the 25th) marked one month since you left this Earth.

One month of not calling you. One month of not hearing your voice. One month of not checking on you. One month of not getting your advice. One month of not texting you photos of the kids. One month of not hearing you complain about the cancer. One month of not hearing you yell at your dogs. One month of not getting daily updates on the family. One month of not planning your next trip here. One month of you not talking about how excited you are to go on a cruise with us. One month of you not planning how to spoil the kids randomly. One month of not hearing you say love you knowing I’m not the mushy type and rarely will say it back. One month of you not laughing at me and how I parent my kids. (You always said I was a lot like Aunt Suzie with things I say). One month of you not asking about my friends. One month of us not gossiping. One month of us not sharing recipes. One month of us not talking religion or politics. One month of us not talking about the past. One month of you not battling cancer. One month of you not struggling with chemo, immunotherapy, radiation or pain. One month of you being free from the fear of cancer. One month of you being in Heaven. One month since you became perfected.

Life has been different. Not easy, not hard. Not busy or lonely. The reality still not completely there. It still has a feeling of it all being a dream. I’m waiting to wake up and realize that everything is ok and your walking and talking. I know it wont happen. I know it’s not meant to be but my goodness it would be nice.

Nick had a beautiful memory book made for us. Pictures of you as a kid, a mom and Nana. Pictures from your wedding with Steve. Pictures of you and my kids. Pictures filling a book all about you. I cry everytime I start to look at it. Its wonderful but hard to look at.

I miss you like crazy. I’m happy you aren’t suffering and free from the pain but it still sucks.

Love you mom❤

Missing you

Today has been a day. I’m sitting at Maceys tumbling class. She is loving it. You and I always said she would do better with something like this compared to ballet and tap. The girl cant do a cartwheel to save her life but is killin it in other ways. I think we are going to stick with tumbling and hope she continues to love it and excel.I took the kids to see the floats for the pioneer day parade. Much easier to go to the float preview over trying to survive the crowd in SLC tomorrow. Of course the boys had no interest, they are to old and grown up. Macey loved it and called any girl with a sash and tiara a princess. The boys found a handout from the Air Force that made noise and could be use as swords. Of course, they became instant weapons. Then all the kids were given air force tattoos…..yeah that didnt end well. Neacel and Macey look like they are ready to put together a prison gang🤦‍♀️😂Tonight is my first night with the young women, normally I would have called you and we would chat about my fears and concerns. Instead, I’m ignoring them and hoping for the best. It’s still weird not having you here to chat with. Its lonely. I have my husband, family and friends but it’s not the same. I miss out call routine. I miss checking on you. It made the miles not seem so much when we chatted daily about everything.

Love you mom ❤

Remember

My mind is blank. Today has ended so stressful. The boys and the fighting is still going strong. Normally I would call you tell you everything and you would give me an outside opinion of what you think is going on. This whole raising boys thing is difficult.

My house is beyond a mess. You would have a fit but you would never.make me feel bad about it. You would just do what you can. I’ve started purging and organizing each bedroom, only to get halfway and then start another room. My house will never be Teresa clean again.

I have to work tomorrow plus Macey has tumbling and I have Young Womens, which we had to throw something together for last minute. I’m feeling stressed with tomorrow and it’s not even here yet. You would normally tell me to take it a little at a time and it will be ok.

Remember Jessie Faris? Her dad passed away of cancer I believe, I know he was battling it. My heart breaks for her and her family. I know the pain all to well. I wish I could go visit her and just hug her. The pain of cancer taking another person is just horrible. Cancer needs to just be gone at this point. Its needs to stop taking parents and spouses.

I’m dreading Thursday. It will be a month since you left us. While I am so glad you are not in pain I wish it didnt hurt so bad. I am planning on keeping busy but good hell, I’m imagining it’s going to be an emotional day. Let’s hope for the best though…a busy day with nothing more then sad moments.

Love you mom❤

The “M” Word

Unfortunately I’ve had some anger towards people that still have their mom. Im not expressing that anger obviously but I’m pissed. It’s not fair that they get a mom and I dont. Why do they get to keep their mom? I had to lose mine to cancer at 33 years old. That sucks, that really sucks. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

You have always been such a huge part of my life. You raised me. You rescued me when needed. You listened. You gave advice. You complained with me. You taught me things. I taught you things (like what RBF is😂) You told me more then you should have but we were that close. Our relationship was that different. Sure I was your daughter but let’s be honest, you hung out with my friends and I when you came to visit and even my friends loved you. You were like the distant friend, not just Mandy’s mom.

So why did it have to end? Why did I have to lose my mom? I hear people complain about their moms and honestly I just want to tell them to shut the hell up. Heck, maybe I will next time.

The word mom kind of hurts. It stings a little each time I hear it. It’s a reminder that I dont have mine. Not physically at least. I dont get to call you or plan your next trip. I instead am debating on doing a tree in your honor at Festival of Trees but I dont know if I can find the strength emotionally to do it.

I’m going to be ok and I promise I’m not going to go bat shiz crazy on someone for saying “mom” but man, I hope the pain I feel each time I hear the word goes away at some point. I hope the anger and jealousy goes away too. I just want it to get easier to handle.

Love you mom❤

Your Wreath

I’ve struggled to write for a few nights. I think reality wants to strike again. I have moments that I’ll get in the car and think “I need to call mom and check on her” or “I should call mom.and ask her what to do in this situation”. I miss your advice. Now I have to figure parenting without your help.

Sandy got your beautiful wreath done. She said the day she took it out there Brandon’s chime was going crazy. I like to think you and him are together keeping each other company. I still wonder what it’s like in Heaven and how everything works. I hope it everything we talked about and that you were greeted by so many loved ones.

I’ve started working more and getting ready for the kids to go back to school. We will miss the few items of clothing that you would always send. The kids always loved those few things and would remind me each time they wore it that you sent it to them. Thanks for always making them feel special.

The tears have come almost a complete stop. I dont know if that’s good or bad. I guess with life being simple right now it’s ok. I just worry come time for kids birthdays and holidays. I think it will be really difficult again at that point.

For now I’m staying strong and taking care of my family. I know you would tell me its ok to be sad and grieve but to not let it consume me. So I guess you can say that’s what I’m doing.

Love you mom ❤